I can remember, that cold dark morning I saw the two positive lines on the pregnancy test. I was scared, happy, a little confused. I walked over to Kyle, the look I will never forget. He was so happy, and as I was crying he said, "Just think, next year we will have a baby for holidays." I held onto those words, as I was scared. Our wedding was just 6 months away, we were going away that weekend and some how I had to hold onto this news.
Two days later, we drove 3 hours North to New Hampshire for his family's Christmas Party. As we were bringing our stuff into his Aunt's house, she looked at me and said the most simple sentence, "How are you guys?". I sat there at her kitchen table, and cried. This was the first person, other than Kyle, I told out loud we were pregnant. She looked at me with a huge smile, hugged me and said "Next year we will have a baby to shop for!"
A long story short, for a different post, his whole family ended up finding out that weekend. His WHOLE extended family. I sat there, starting to spot, scared of what was happening and everyone was happy that this holiday season we would have a baby.
Well, I am here to tell you things don't always work out the way they are supposed to. Instead, I went on to miscarry 3 weeks later. At 10 weeks, we lost our baby. Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, and everyone is saying what they are thankful for. And I, I cannot get these thoughts of my mind. Losing a baby, regardless of how far along is hard. It does not get better with time. I am finding it's getting worse. It hits you harder. When I hear a Christmas song on the radio, go past the "Baby's First Christmas" onsie in Target, it's hard. I know, I will make it through the Holidays. Hopefully, without my mother in law saying something stupid and unthoughtful. It will be hard. It will be bittersweet as I hold my 4 week old god son wearing the outfit I had bought last year for my baby that I threw into the baby shower gift thinking, "I will not need this soon." It will be hard as I watch my cousin's stomach swell up, and everyone buying her baby things.
Losing a baby is unfair.
I can though tell you what I am thankful for this Holiday. I am thankful for the doctors and nurses at the Hospital who saved my life this summer when I had an ectopic pregnancy. I am thankful for my husband, who has stood by my side during this long year. I am thankful for my dog, Bruno, who kept me company during my sleepless nights. I am thankful for my best friend, who listens to my rambles that probably make no sense. Lastly, I am thankful that my mother taught me at a young age about mental health. Living with anxiety and depression is not easy and not fun. Luckily, at a young age I saw a councilor, and lucky for me she now has her own practice.
This Holiday season, I will be thinking of mothers who don't have their babies or children in their arms.
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