I can remember, that cold dark morning I saw the two positive lines on the pregnancy test. I was scared, happy, a little confused. I walked over to Kyle, the look I will never forget. He was so happy, and as I was crying he said, "Just think, next year we will have a baby for holidays." I held onto those words, as I was scared. Our wedding was just 6 months away, we were going away that weekend and some how I had to hold onto this news.
Two days later, we drove 3 hours North to New Hampshire for his family's Christmas Party. As we were bringing our stuff into his Aunt's house, she looked at me and said the most simple sentence, "How are you guys?". I sat there at her kitchen table, and cried. This was the first person, other than Kyle, I told out loud we were pregnant. She looked at me with a huge smile, hugged me and said "Next year we will have a baby to shop for!"
A long story short, for a different post, his whole family ended up finding out that weekend. His WHOLE extended family. I sat there, starting to spot, scared of what was happening and everyone was happy that this holiday season we would have a baby.
Well, I am here to tell you things don't always work out the way they are supposed to. Instead, I went on to miscarry 3 weeks later. At 10 weeks, we lost our baby. Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, and everyone is saying what they are thankful for. And I, I cannot get these thoughts of my mind. Losing a baby, regardless of how far along is hard. It does not get better with time. I am finding it's getting worse. It hits you harder. When I hear a Christmas song on the radio, go past the "Baby's First Christmas" onsie in Target, it's hard. I know, I will make it through the Holidays. Hopefully, without my mother in law saying something stupid and unthoughtful. It will be hard. It will be bittersweet as I hold my 4 week old god son wearing the outfit I had bought last year for my baby that I threw into the baby shower gift thinking, "I will not need this soon." It will be hard as I watch my cousin's stomach swell up, and everyone buying her baby things.
Losing a baby is unfair.
I can though tell you what I am thankful for this Holiday. I am thankful for the doctors and nurses at the Hospital who saved my life this summer when I had an ectopic pregnancy. I am thankful for my husband, who has stood by my side during this long year. I am thankful for my dog, Bruno, who kept me company during my sleepless nights. I am thankful for my best friend, who listens to my rambles that probably make no sense. Lastly, I am thankful that my mother taught me at a young age about mental health. Living with anxiety and depression is not easy and not fun. Luckily, at a young age I saw a councilor, and lucky for me she now has her own practice.
This Holiday season, I will be thinking of mothers who don't have their babies or children in their arms.
Wednesday, November 26, 2014
Friday, November 14, 2014
2014 Thus Far
We rang in the new year with friends, it was supposed to be the best year of our life. Kyle and I had been dating for almost 9 years and this year we would finally be getting married. I was so excited. Planning a huge wedding wasn't really my thing but I was embracing it.
My best friend, Nancy, had been trying to get pregnant. Naturally, we talked about it. Everyday. It was the second week and I didn't even realize that around January 1st, I didn't get my period. I didn't know what to do. I was in denial. I decided the next morning I would test. It would be negative, I thought. It wasn't. I was crushed. I didn't know what to do. I would be getting married in 6 months. How the hell did I even let this happen? I told Kyle. He was so excited. We always talked about having kids. Then, I told Nancy, she was devastated. I felt so much guilt. She should have been pregnant, not me. How could I go through with this? I have the wedding, the dress, everyone has their save the dates that I sent out 3 months prior.
Life did go on, my mother was happy. Kyle's family was happy. I got use to the idea.
We went to an ultra sound at 9 weeks. We were told that the baby looked to be more about 6 weeks, not 8. Could I have messed up the dates? No.
A week later, we miscarried.
My world came crashing down. How did this happen? Did I stress to much? Was it because I drank at New Years? We had to untell everyone we told. Each phone call or text getting harder. I had to call out of work for a week. I came back to everyone knowing. Great.
Life moved on. Kyle and I decided we would just see what happened. Would it really matter now if I was pregnant when we got married? No.
We got married June 15, 2014. It was a beautiful day. Everything went perfectly. After the wedding we went to Cape Cod for a few days.
A day later from coming home, I noticed I was off. I had a horrible taste in my mouth and a pain in my ovaries I had never felt before. I stopped at Target and bought pregnancy tests. Positive. At 530 in the afternoon, it was positive. The night continued and the pain got worse.
I got nervous and called my midwife. After waiting for three days to do different tests, I ended up in the ER. My fallopian tube had burst and I needed an emergency surgery. Luckily, my ovary was able to be saved.
So here I am now. Two failed pregnancies at the age of 26, which should have been one of the best years of my life.
My best friend, Nancy, had been trying to get pregnant. Naturally, we talked about it. Everyday. It was the second week and I didn't even realize that around January 1st, I didn't get my period. I didn't know what to do. I was in denial. I decided the next morning I would test. It would be negative, I thought. It wasn't. I was crushed. I didn't know what to do. I would be getting married in 6 months. How the hell did I even let this happen? I told Kyle. He was so excited. We always talked about having kids. Then, I told Nancy, she was devastated. I felt so much guilt. She should have been pregnant, not me. How could I go through with this? I have the wedding, the dress, everyone has their save the dates that I sent out 3 months prior.
Life did go on, my mother was happy. Kyle's family was happy. I got use to the idea.
We went to an ultra sound at 9 weeks. We were told that the baby looked to be more about 6 weeks, not 8. Could I have messed up the dates? No.
A week later, we miscarried.
My world came crashing down. How did this happen? Did I stress to much? Was it because I drank at New Years? We had to untell everyone we told. Each phone call or text getting harder. I had to call out of work for a week. I came back to everyone knowing. Great.
Life moved on. Kyle and I decided we would just see what happened. Would it really matter now if I was pregnant when we got married? No.
We got married June 15, 2014. It was a beautiful day. Everything went perfectly. After the wedding we went to Cape Cod for a few days.
A day later from coming home, I noticed I was off. I had a horrible taste in my mouth and a pain in my ovaries I had never felt before. I stopped at Target and bought pregnancy tests. Positive. At 530 in the afternoon, it was positive. The night continued and the pain got worse.
I got nervous and called my midwife. After waiting for three days to do different tests, I ended up in the ER. My fallopian tube had burst and I needed an emergency surgery. Luckily, my ovary was able to be saved.
So here I am now. Two failed pregnancies at the age of 26, which should have been one of the best years of my life.
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